Will Durst: touched by TSA
WILL DURST: Hey guys, Will Durst here to weigh in on the whole TSA pat-down controversy. Now, don't get me wrong, it's not that I eagerly look forward to adding "casual molestations" to my pre-flight checklist. But to be perfectly honest, I don't care! At my age, the occasional wandering blue rubber glove is about all the action I can expect. Other people, however, are flippin' out like wolverines bouncing off a submarine trampoline over the new regulations mandating that a prospective flier submit to having his or her naughty bits exposed for all the world to see, or else agree to a groping that under normal circumstances would have any decent person collecting a wedding banquet hall quote, or showing a Federal Marshal on the doll where you were touched.
The real problem is not going to second base with complete strangers, but suspecting that no one has thought any of this out since they're subjecting pilots to the same sub-rosa muggings. Face it, you and I don't know nothin', but even we can figure out that pilots don't need explosives up their butt to bring down a plane! They keep making new rules based on what happened last week. We've already gone from taking off our shoes to surrendering our fluids to X-raying through our underwear. Pretty obvious what's next: first they'll make it illegal for civilians to videotape the pat-downs because of national security, which is the federal equivalent of, "Because I said so, that's why!"
And then the airlines will figure out a way to charge us for it all by calling body-cavity-searches "impromptu prostate exams." In the meantime, just direct me to whichever TSA screener didn't volunteer for the job. And one other point of etiquette: are we supposed to tip? Or only if there's a happy ending? The least they could do is provide a room where we can all have a post-encounter cigarette.
Will Durst is a San Francisco-based humor columnist who frequently tells jokes. Out loud. On stage. In front of people. Ideally. Catch an example at Rancho Nicasio on Sunday, December 5.
Will Durst's commentaries do not reflect the views of KALW News.