Will Durst's budget strategy for the nation
WILL DURST: Hey guys, Will Durst here, and you don’t need me to tell you that America is broke. Not just broke – we’re dead broke. Flat busted. Unflush. Tapped to the max. No bread or cabbage or scratch to speak of. Now we are moolah-less. Holes in our pockets. Echoing piggy banks, totally out of chump change, without simoleons, hands clean of any filthy lucre, moths flying out of our wallets – because we’ve got us a dearth of dead presidents is what we got.
And it’s high time we start acting like it, which means for one, stop giving money to countries that just use it to buy guns they then turn on us. You insist on helping them out – give ‘em the guns! We buy in a much bigger bulk than they can, and can get them cheaper! Also we might get a kickback. And we could be taking advantage of this Arab spring democracy movement ... provides us with a great opportunity to lay off some of our underperforming dictators.
But we all know it’s not going to be enough to make a few minor cuts in the budget. We also have to work on increasing our revenue streams. And help me, son of ancient public institutions like Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Her resale value ain’t what it used to be. Besides, that’s the kind of short-term thinking that got us into this mess. What we need to do is to tap into the new economy.
Now, what if we used the FDA to create and sell anti-SARS serum? We start manufacturing the antidote right now and create a huge SARS scare and have the government approve cream or clear or whatever, immediately available at your local pharmacy just in time for cold and flu season? Then we add to the panic with a bunch of infomercials – you know, news stories. Come on! The government’s already lying to us on a regular basis. The least we can do is figure out how to make some money off of it.
If the SARS thing is a bit scary, just spread rumors of killer carnivorous snails and change the product to snail repellent. It’s an imaginary crisis! Hey, worked for the Tea Party.
The New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst “is quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” Check out his website to find out more about upcoming stand-up performances or to buy his book, The All American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing.
Will Durst's commentaries do not reflect the views of KALW News.