To friend, or not to friend

http://www.flickr.com/photos/dantaylor/2044337954/

This day in Facebook age, it seems like it couldn't be any easier to get connected to groups, causes and random people you never thought you would see again.

But for me, today it got even easier.

When I signed on to Facebook this morning, I got a pop-up ad on my homepage that I had never seen before.  It said that three of my friends suggest I use "Friend Finder", a feature that will allow Facebook to scour my email address book for potential new Facebook friends.

I figured no harm, one can never have too many Facebook friends, right?  And I've already interacted with these people via email, so they aren't complete strangers.

So I entered my email address and password (they promise that they won't keep a record of it), and boom: just like that, hundreds of people pop up in a list, including those NOT already on Facebook. Of course, once you decide who you will "friend" (a verb, which means: to invite to be one's friend on Facebook), Facebook slyly suggests you invite those not already on Facebook to become a part of it.

First, it irked me that Facebook is making it easier and easier to expand the reach of their universe -- in this example, by accessing what I once felt was among the most private of my online information: my email address book.  But then it dawned on me how revolutionary this is for social norms, again upending all the rules I had absorbed up until now for gracefully managing online social relationships. I had, for example, former bosses show up on this list, interviewees, press contacts, and people cc-ed on emails from friends, most of whom I don't know.

Hence the question: who do I friend?

This question has come up since the beginning of Facebook, but it keeps popping up as more and more people are getting connected.  When the networks grow in scope, it seems that the game rules are up for adjustment.

In my quest for an answer, I found a Facebook group dedicated to Facebook Etiquette. Rule #9 addresses friend requests from schoolmates:

9) Confirm all friend requests from your school, even if you have no idea who the person requesting your friendship is.

Tom Miller wrote a Top Ten List of Facebook Etiquette Rules for YourTango.com, which include a rule about not friending a friend of a friend if they don't know you (friend, friend, friend...the word is starting to lose it's meaning, isn't it?).  I have seen this rule a lot, but I know people are breaking it, because I get friend requests from people I don't know quite often.

Christopher Null published his rules for Facebook in PC World Magazine, and he says it is totally okay to ignore friend requests:

Ignore away. You are under no obligation to acknowledge a Facebook friend request, whether it comes from a stranger or from someone you know but don't want as part of your digital life. After all, you wouldn't be obliged to seat visitors at your dinner table if they showed up without warning at your house at 7 o'clock. (One alternative way of dealing with this situation is to add iffy contacts to a severely restricted limited profile list.) On the flipside, if you want to friend a stranger (for whatever reason), add a note of explanation to your friend request, explaining who you are and the reason for your request.

And the fact of the matter is, you can always de-friend someone if you change your mind, as Reihan Salam describes doing in his Slate article from a few years ago:

Say you've been too generous with your friending policy, and a gaggle of strangers is now hogging your News Feed. You too can launch a Great Facebook Purge. The beauty of this is that no headline or notification pops up in your ex-friend's inbox announcing, "You've suffered a humiliating rejection at the hands of _________." It's all very stealthy, thus making it the perfect way to deal with promiscuous frienders.

You'll notice how dated that article is.  Back in 2007, to have 258 Facebook friends was over the top. But now Facebook friends are more like a loose, online network of contacts, people who you find interesting, or who have funny update messages (that's on top of the people who you are ACTUALLY friends with.)  In this way, it's easy for the friends list to grow, and Facebook keeps coming out with new ways to manage that list, for better or for worse.

What do you think is a good "friending" policy?  Any thoughts on how social norms are changing for the good or bad thanks to social media?  Give us a call at 415-264-7106, or email us at news@kalw.org.

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An Addendum on "Poking"

I had to add this because it is another confounding feature of Facebook that I still don't get.  (See hilarious YouTube video on the top right of this page making fun of Facebook interactions like "poking" -- oh, and I warn you, there is one bad word in there.) So here are a couple of rules I gathered online about Facebook "poking":

Don't Over-poke. Poking is the lowest form of facebook communication. Poking an actual friend once can be a nice thinking of you but poking a stranger ten times is not ok. If you’re trying to flirt, suck it up and send a message. -- Facebook Group on Facebook Etiquette

No pokes. If you are over the age of 16, don't "poke" people--seriously. -- Christopher Null for PC World

 I think we all know what it means to poke people.  You are trying to flirt but if you keep it up, it shifts from funny to annoying. When was the last time that something positive came out of walking up to someone in a bar and beginning to poke them until they responded? If you can successfully turn a poke into a lasting relationship then you are truly a master of manipulation because most people would find it flat out annoying. -- Nick O'Neil for Allfacebook.com